I confess: I, Zainab, entrusted my one and only favorite shirt to a smart, internet-connected washing machine, and it refused to give it back! On Saturday morning, I loaded the laundry, selected a thirty-minute quick cycle in the app, and sat in the kitchen with tea. When the display reached one minute, I walked to the bathroom—and watched the machine add seven more.

Seven minutes later, the drum stopped, considered the matter, and started turning again. The app announced, “Adjusting moisture level.” I tapped “End cycle.” It asked me to check whether the door was closed. The door was closed so firmly that my shirt could only look at me through the glass. I opened the manual, adjusted my short natural hair, and performed the recommended restart.

After restarting, the machine drained, unlocked for two seconds, and locked again before I could grab the handle. My phone cheerfully announced that it had found an unfinished cycle and offered to resume it. While I searched for the cancel button, the app accepted its own suggestion. Water began filling the drum again. My tea had gone cold out of respect for the situation.

So I unplugged the router, unplugged the washing machine, and waited for it to finish draining and release the door. This time, I managed to rescue the shirt. It was perfectly clean. I finished drying it on an ordinary clothesline and deleted the app. Since then, the machine has washed without internet access and behaved with remarkable modesty.