I was gathering bamboo in my paws when the rule “Don’t put food on the ground” left me short of spare paws. I was in my enclosure, about to have lunch beside the tree where I like to scratch my back. The keeper set down a basin of water nearby and handed me fresh stalks. “Milo, don’t put food on the ground,” he said, taking away the empty basket. Lunch is a leisurely business for a panda, but humans always have to add some sort of condition. I decided to follow this one to the letter.

First, I hugged all the bamboo against my belly and waddled toward the tree on my hind legs. Walking like that is entirely manageable, provided it isn’t far and nobody expects any dignity. One stalk slipped, so I caught it in my teeth. Now I couldn’t chew at all: my mouth was holding a part of lunch, and my front paws were holding the rest. Right by the trunk, my back started itching fiercely. I tried rubbing against the bark, but that made the armload drift apart dangerously, and I had to scramble to scoop the stalks back in with my elbows. I decided to postpone the scratching for now.

Then I figured I could sit down and spread the bamboo across my lap. I carefully lowered myself by the tree, but my lap turned out to be much shorter than the stalks: as soon as I pulled one tip toward my mouth, the opposite ends of two other stalks treacherously grazed the grass. I snatched them back up instantly and was once again left completely immobilized. The keeper had already left, so there was nobody to ask whether the very tip counted as “food on the ground.” Judging by the lush leaves on it, it most certainly did.

And then my gaze locked onto the basin. Water isn’t ground! Even a human with their rigid logic couldn’t argue with that. I pushed the basin closer to the tree and carefully lowered the entire armload right into the water. The stalks floated happily, and I finally got to scratch my back against the bark to my heart's content. Afterward, I sat down comfortably, pulled out a single stalk, and dug into my meal. Water started dripping from the leaves straight onto my belly. I pulled the stalk slightly away, but then the drips landed on my knee. I had to bring it back and chew strictly over my wet belly. At least both paws were finally doing their proper jobs.